I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
