So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
