I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
How does it feel to date your dad?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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