i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
