I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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