Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
