i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
