I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
