im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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