when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
