Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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