his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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