Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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