More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
