They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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