I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
