There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
