I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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