Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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