Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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