you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
