Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Randomize
