Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
