Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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