he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
