phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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