You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
