i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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