its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
