just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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