I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
