Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
