I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
