i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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