I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
