It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
