Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
