A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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