I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
