My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
