I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
