I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
