obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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