i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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