i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
