My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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