Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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