I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
