I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
