I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
