i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
