just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
