I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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